Instagram is making me fat.

I really think Instagram is trying to make me fat.

Unlike apparently half the population, I don’t follow celebrities, fitness influencers or people who photograph themselves standing in front of expensive cars or worse still those annoying people with the fake nails that insist on tapping on things. My Instagram feed consists almost entirely of bakers, bookshops and people who live in beautiful cottages with enormous kitchen tables.

Consequently, every time I open the app, I’m confronted with freshly baked Lemon Drizzle, enormous Chelsea buns, beautifully iced cakes and books arranged beside steaming mugs of tea all with the obligatory candle(or candles) burning away in the background.

The trouble is, after approximately five minutes of scrolling, I develop an overwhelming desire to abandon everything I’m supposed to be doing, you know, boring things like work and the like, shut the front door, put on an apron and spend the rest of the day baking. Preferably in a kitchen with a large wooden table, a vase of freshly picked flowers and a rather charming view of the countryside.

In reality, my kitchen table is covered in things that need sorting out, there’s probably something crusty and burnt in the oven that needs cleaning off and I’ve just discovered we’re almost out of butter. Still, this doesn’t stop me imagining myself producing magnificent cakes and rustic loaves whilst the rest of the world carries on without me.

Then there’s the book side of things. Apparently, one cannot eat a homemade Treacle Tart without simultaneously reading a lovely book, preferably beside a window with rain gently trickling down the glass.

I can see the appeal. I really can.

In fact, I’ve reached the conclusion that if I spent as much time actually baking and reading as I do looking at other people baking and reading, I’d be considerably happier. Although probably three stone heavier and with a serious cholesterol issue.

I really need to put my phone down.

Just as soon as I’ve found the recipe for that gloriously sticky looking Sticky Toffee Pudding.