I really think Instagram is trying to make me fat.
Unlike apparently half the population, I don’t follow celebrities, fitness influencers or people who photograph themselves standing in front of expensive cars or worse still those annoying people with the fake nails that insist on tapping on things. My Instagram feed consists almost entirely of bakers, bookshops and people who live in beautiful cottages with enormous kitchen tables.
Consequently, every time I open the app, I’m confronted with freshly baked Lemon Drizzle, enormous Chelsea buns, beautifully iced cakes and books arranged beside steaming mugs of tea all with the obligatory candle(or candles) burning away in the background.
The trouble is, after approximately five minutes of scrolling, I develop an overwhelming desire to abandon everything I’m supposed to be doing, you know, boring things like work and the like, shut the front door, put on an apron and spend the rest of the day baking. Preferably in a kitchen with a large wooden table, a vase of freshly picked flowers and a rather charming view of the countryside.
In reality, my kitchen table is covered in things that need sorting out, there’s probably something crusty and burnt in the oven that needs cleaning off and I’ve just discovered we’re almost out of butter. Still, this doesn’t stop me imagining myself producing magnificent cakes and rustic loaves whilst the rest of the world carries on without me.
Then there’s the book side of things. Apparently, one cannot eat a homemade Treacle Tart without simultaneously reading a lovely book, preferably beside a window with rain gently trickling down the glass.
I can see the appeal. I really can.
In fact, I’ve reached the conclusion that if I spent as much time actually baking and reading as I do looking at other people baking and reading, I’d be considerably happier. Although probably three stone heavier and with a serious cholesterol issue.
I really need to put my phone down.
Just as soon as I’ve found the recipe for that gloriously sticky looking Sticky Toffee Pudding.
A few minutes before an important Teams meeting the other day my computer informed me that something was blocking the camera lens. This was news to me because, as far as I could see, there was absolutely nothing in front of it. I peered at the little hole at the top of the screen, gave it a wipe and tried again, in case whatever was obstructing it could be dealt with by the corner of my sleeve. Apparently not.
I checked the camera permissions, which were all switched on. The computer was allowed to use the camera. The app was allowed to use the camera. Everybody had permission to use the camera except, it seemed, me.
So I carried on with the meeting without the camera. Everyone was deprived of my smiley face and had to make do with the pleasure of my voice. After the meeting having established that we were all in agreement about what the camera was supposed to be doing, I moved on to trying to make it do it. This involved opening settings, closing settings and returning to settings in the hope that something might have changed while I was away.
The camera continued to insist that it was blocked.
“Yes,” I told it. “You’ve mentioned.”
I reset things. I uninstalled things. I attempted to reinstall the things I’d uninstalled, at which point the computer announced that it couldn’t find a camera. This felt like an unnecessarily spiteful development. We’d started with a camera that was blocked and had now progressed to not having one at all. I’d been trying to improve the situation, but apparently I was dismantling the computer one helpful suggestion at a time, courtesy of ChatGPT and various online sources of equally questionable wisdom.
By now, the swearing had become less occasional. There was quite a lot of “What the hell?” interspersed with increasingly personal remarks about a machine that had, until that morning, done very little to offend me.
I eventually found the camera in the hardware list, which was a relief, although finding something and persuading it to work are evidently separate departments. I clicked on properties, looking for some useful information, and was rewarded with the word “Camera”. Well, thank goodness for that. Somewhere in the proceedings I also encountered something called “Camera AI Effect Opt In”. I had no idea what this meant, but it sounded considerably more ambitious than what I was asking for. I didn’t need effects. I didn’t need artificial intelligence. I would have settled quite happily for a small, badly lit picture of my own face with our disaster zone of a kitchen behind me.
After the best part of an hour, my son wandered into the kitchen.
“Oh yeah, there’s a switch here. Flick that and it’ll uncover the camera lens.”
He reached up, flicked a tiny switch and the camera worked.
Just like that.
He reached up to the top of the screen and moved something so small that I hadn’t noticed it existed. The camera worked.
I leaned forward to inspect this switch, which I couldn’t properly see even with my glasses on. Somewhere along the way, somebody had decided that a useful physical control should be made practically invisible. Presumably this keeps the computer looking sleek, which is a great comfort when you’ve spent an over and hour calling it progressively abusive names.
The most irritating part, of course, was that the computer had been right all along. Something was blocking the lens. It had told me this repeatedly, and I’d responded by taking bits of its software away.
Still, I feel there was room for a slightly more helpful message. “Camera blocked” is all very well, but “Before you uninstall anything, check the tiny bloody switch on top” would have saved us both a difficult afternoon.
My son returned to whatever he’d been doing, having completed the repair without opening a single settings menu. I was left with a working camera, several windows I no longer understood and the uncomfortable knowledge that I’d probably have carried on for another hour if he hadn’t waked into the kitchen.
I’ve got three eggs, half a packet of butter and some apples that need using.
What I’d like is a cake recipe. Nothing particularly ambitious. Something I can put in the oven before the apples grow legs and walk off. I search online and find a promising picture and click.
Apparently, this cake reminds the author of a little cottage in the countryside. That’s lovely, but I’m in the kitchen wondering how much flour I need. The recipe author is now explaining that autumn is her favourite time of year. Mine is rapidly passing while I look for the oven temperature inamongst all the blurb.
I do understand that somebody has put time, effort and money into creating this recipe and I’m grateful they’ve shared it, and I don’t expect them to do all that for nothing. I’m happy for there to be the odd advert, I’d just prefer them not to move or float into the bit I’m reading.
Eventually, I spot “Jump to recipe”.
What a fab idea. We could perhaps have started with that. I press it and arrive at the ingredients, which briefly remain still before an advert loads and shifts everything down. I was looking at 175 grams of something or was that a cup. Bloody hell now I’ve got to convert American cups into grams – where’s the calculator when I need it?
Oh Yay! Another advert. I’m looking at a woman who wants to know whether I’m paying too much for broadband. Almost certainly love, but you’ve caught me at a bad time.
Once I’ve found the flour again, I begin. This is when the practical difficulties of reading a recipe from a phone become apparent. My hands are buttery, the screen keeps going dark and I’m trying to scroll with the only clean bit of my little finger. I wipe my hands, put my glasses back on and try again.
What I miss is being able to put a recipe in front of me and trust it to stay there. A book has its faults, particularly when it insists on closing itself, but a bag of sugar will generally settle that argument.
I don’t mind a story with a recipe, either. If I’m sitting down with a cup of tea, I might enjoy reading about how it came about. When I’ve already greased the tin, I’m rather less interested in the afternoon your aunt first made it.
For now though, I’ve copied the ingredients onto the back of an envelope. The writing gets a bit cramped, but I can read it, and nothing has moved for several minutes. I’ve made cakes before I think to myself. Lets just pop everything into a bowl, give a good mix, pour it in the tin and see what happens.
The apples are finally in a cake and I find myself thinking a recipe book is so much less faff.
We’re expecting Storm Austen today, although for most of the morning it’s been dry and still. I’ve kept looking out of the window, wondering whether it’s stopped somewhere for breakfast.
In the last hour, it’s become a bit windy and started raining. I used to call this October, but now the Met Office or someone have given it a name I feel obliged to keep checking on it.
I know it may be properly unpleasant elsewhere, and I’m grateful for the warning. It’s just peculiar sitting here waiting for weather that’s had more of an introduction than most people who visit.
Of course, now I’ve written this, I’ll probably spend the afternoon retrieving a wheelie bin from a hedge or sitting with a torch in a power cut.
For now though, I’m putting the kettle on. Austen will have to get on with it.
Stay safe, everyone. Hope it’s not too wild where you are and your wheelie bins stay where you left them.
The other day, the printer ran out of yellow, which I wouldn’t have thought mattered very much because I was trying to print a letter. Just black writing on white paper. I wasn’t planning to include a sunflower.
Before you all say it, yes, I selected “Black and white” on the printer option things. Apparently, yellow still needed to be there for some reason.
I took the cartridge out and put it back in, because that occasionally works with things. There was some encouraging whirring, then the same message asking me to replace it. I’m sure there’s probably a perfectly sound technical explanation, but standing in the spare room discussing colours with a printer, I couldn’t think of one. The other option running through my head was to launch said printer out of the window, but that really wouldn’t solve much.
Eventually I gave in and ordered a replacement, checking the number several times because all the cartridges look much the same and I didn’t want to spend twenty quid on the wrong little plastic box. Unfortunately, I needed to post the letter that day, so I emailed it to my ever so patient friend and drove three miles to collect it from her house. I remembered an envelope so I could post it on the way home, which felt quite organised under the circumstances. Hurrah! Mission accomplished, letter in post.
Two days later, the yellow cartridge arrived. I popped it in and the printer promptly produced several copies of the letter. Presumably it had remembered every time I’d pressed “Print” and was now keen to show willing.
All beautifully printed in black, with not a trace of yellow anywhere.
I have a little book of passwords. An actual book, made of paper, with all my passwords written in it in biro.
In an age when we’re constantly being warned about cyber security, identity theft and the dangers of writing passwords down, I have entrusted practically my entire existence to a small notebook that lives amongst the cookbooks in the kitchen.
It’s a highly sophisticated security arrangement. Nobody would think to look for my online banking details between Mary Berry, Jamie Oliver and a tattered old copy of Delia Smith Christmas. To be fair to them, they’re doing a grand job guarding my passwords.
The book started off innocently enough. A few passwords for things I used regularly. Online banking, emails, that sort of thing. Then along came the children’s school dinner payment portal, the electricity supplier, the insurance company, the supermarket, the dentist and approximately forty-seven other organisations, all of whom insist I create an account before they’ll allow me to do anything.
Every single one has different password requirements. One wants eight characters. Another wants twelve. One insists on a capital letter, a number and a special character. Another won’t accept the special character I’ve chosen, presumably because an exclamation mark is considered a threat to national security.
Then there’s the business of changing them. So I more often than not find myself pressing the ‘forgot password’ button. Apparently, I can’t use a password I’ve used before. I can’t use anything remotely memorable, and I certainly can’t use the same password for two different things.
So I invent something completely ridiculous, immediately forget it, and rather embarrasingly have to go through the whole ‘Forgotten your password?’ procedure again.
Occasionally I’m asked to confirm my identity by answering a security question I apparently set up in 2014. What was the name of my first pet? Was it the cat? The goldfish? Did I use its proper name or the ridiculous nickname we called it?
At this point I generally give up and go to make a cup of tea and reach for the custard creams.
Which brings me back nicely to my little book. It’s not particularly attractive. The pages are covered in crossings-out, arrows and occasional question marks where I’m no longer entirely sure whether a password is current or one of the previous six.
Some entries have ‘NEW’ written beside them, although quite what I considered new in 2019 is anybody’s guess. And don’t even get me started on the post it notes written in some sort of weird code that I thought was very clever at the time.
Of course, I realise there are clever password managers that will remember everything for me. I’ve looked into them. They require setting up an account, installing something and creating a master password. If I’m honest I don’t entirely trust them, all that techy stuff and clever hacker people might hack my password manager thingy
One single password upon which all the other passwords depend. Crumbs. I know I’ll forget that one too and then where will I be.
I stick to my little book thanks. It’s in the safe hands of Delia, Mary and Jamie.
I bought some scissors the other day because ours had disappeared. I’d looked in the drawer where we keep them, asked whether anybody had seen them and received the usual assurances that nobody had touched them. Wherever they’d gone, they’d apparently travelled independently. Maybe it was the Sock Monster trying to diversify.
Anyway, I bought another pair. They looked sturdy, had comfortable handles and seemed perfectly suitable for the fairly modest cutting requirements of our household. Unfortunately, getting them out of the packet turned out to require the equipment I’d specifically gone shopping for.
You’ll know the packaging I mean. Clear plastic, sealed all the way round, with no obvious way in. I think it’s called blister pack but not 100% sure on that. ANyway, I turned it over several times, looking for a tab or some instructions, but all I could find was a picture showing how nicely the scissors would fit in my hand once I’d been allowed to have them.
I tried pulling the top apart, then bent a corner until it went white. Getting a fingernail underneath achieved very little beyond hurting my finger and a sharp jab of pesky plastic going up under my fingernail causing me to swear quite a bit. So I stood there for a moment looking at the scissors through the plastic and cursing the people who thought blister pack was the perfect scissor packaging solution.
I do wonder whether anyone tries opening these things before they send them off to the shops. Presumably the person packing them has scissors readily available and hasn’t considered that some of us are buying replacements.
For a while, I considered using a kitchen knife, although I could already imagine having to explain that to somebody at A&E. “I was trying to open some scissors” would need a bit of context before they wrote it down on their sheets. Nevertheless, I gave the packaging a good stab and poke with my favourite kitchen knife. (Yes, I know it sounds particularly pathetic to have a ‘favourite kitchen knife’, but if, like me, you do a fair bit of cooking, you’ll understand my favourite knife situation.)
Eventually, after rummaging further into the drawer, I found an old pair we’d stopped using because they barely cut anything and the hinge bit had gone all loose and wonky. I’d evidently kept them in case we ever needed to give a piece of paper a raggedy edge. They did, however, get under a corner of the packet, and with a fair amount of effort I managed to cut my way round. The plastic became much sharper than anything I’d intended to buy, so getting the scissors out involved handling the remains quite carefully. I’d gone to all this trouble and was rather keen to finish with the same number of fingers.
Once released, the new scissors were excellent. I tried them on a bit of paper and they cut beautifully, which made it all the more annoying that they’d been sitting there perfectly capable of helping with this task had they not been held prisoner in the blister pack.
I’ve put them in the drawer now and asked everyone to leave them there. I’ll place good money on them disappearing wihtin a week.
No i didn’t take a picture of scissors in the shop – this is AI. Also not an advert for Westcott scissors, i don’t even know who they are.
I was online the other day looking for a new toaster and stumbled across the Washing Machine section. Did you know, you can get a washing machine that doses the detergent for you? I didn’t. I’ve been doing laundry for decades, and I can honestly say that pouring something into a drawer or chucking a pod thing into the machine has ever been the difficult bit.
Now if it could find the missing school trousers, empty the tissues out of the pockets and persuade whoever left a sock inside a sock to separate them, I’d be interested. I’d buy one of those.There’s useful work available here.
Instead, it’s taking over the pouring. Thank goodness. I was nearly at breaking point with that.
I thought washing machines were already a fairly impressive invention. Put dirty clothes in, add detergent, press a few buttons and go off to do something else while a machine deals with the washing. Compared with hauling everything through a mangle, we’d made considerable progress or so I thought.
Somewhere along the way, this stopped being enough. Now there are apps, smart features and washing machines that want to connect to the Wi-Fi. I’m beginning to wonder whether I’m looking at a domestic appliance or recruiting someone for an office job. What does it need the internet for? The washing’s there, in the drum. We’ve established contact.
I can see the appeal of knowing when a load has finished if your machine is somewhere you can’t hear it. Or even having a timer start option for those organised enough to know that they will deal with the wet washing when they get home. That said, knowing the washing has finished and actually doing something about it are two very different things in my book. A notification can tell me there’s a wet duvet cover waiting. It can’t make me enthusiastic about wrestling it outside and onto the line.
That remains my department.
The automatic detergent dosing is the bit that particularly puzzles me. Yes, I can understand that measuring it for each load might prevent waste. Some people will find it useful, and anything that makes an awkward task easier to manage has its place. I get it.
I’m just struggling with the idea that this was a pressing problem in enough people’s lives. Nobody has ever asked me how my day was and received the answer, “Terrible. Had to measure out the washing liquid again.”
There are plenty of other aspects of laundry I’d happily hand over. Working out whether something abandoned on a bedroom floor is dirty or merely being stored there, for example. Getting a straight answer to “Do you need this for tomorrow?” before ten o’clock at night would be another considerable breakthrough for anyone with teenagers.
Then there’s the control panel. I want enough choice to wash things properly without shrinking anyone’s trousers. I don’t particularly want to stand in front of the machine reading programme descriptions as though I’m choosing a university course.
Also, if I’m honest there’s always a point when I find a setting that works and use it for almost everything. The other options sit there for years, their possibilities unexplored. Perhaps I’m missing a life-changing trouser cleaning experience. So far, everyone seems reasonably clean to me.
When I eventually need another washing machine, I’d like one that washes well, is straightforward to use and lasts a decent length of time. A filter I can get at without flooding the floor would be lovely too. Controls I can understand before I’ve had my second cup of tea would also be appreciated. These are the things that would make laundry easier in this house. I suspect they’re harder to put in an exciting advert than a phone displaying a picture of your washing machine though.
Perhaps that’s how we’ve ended up here. There’s only so much excitement you can generate around a machine doing the job you bought it to do, so eventually someone has to give it connectivity and some new fangled ‘detergent dosing device.’
I’ll carry on pouring my own detergent for now. When they invent one that puts the clean washing away, they can have my attention.
Of course this is AI generated. Who in their right mind has a washing machine plonked in the middle of the room blocking the cupboards, with a spare washing machine or two in the background.
Now I’m clearly missing something. Surely my aim with screenwash is to see through the windscreen. I’m not trying to lick it.
I was in B&M the other day because I needed a tub of AdBlue and some screenwash for the car. I admit I did inadvertently buy the bubblegum screenwash, mostly because it was the only option. I just grabbed the jug and off I went to the checkout.
It was then that I read the label. “Screenwash.” Good, that’s what I want. “Made in Britain.” Bonus points for the economy. “Bubblegum scent.” I did a double take.
Bubblegum scent? In screenwash?
Somewhere along the way, removing a dead fly from a piece of glass became an opportunity to introduce a confectionery fragrance.
I thought screenwash had a fairly straightforward job. Get the muck off, help the wipers along and, provided you’ve bought the appropriate stuff, avoid freezing when it gets cold. I wasn’t aware that the smell was an area crying out for improvement. Certainly not an improvement involving bubblegum. Do people go around smelling car windscreens? Is that a thing? Have I been walking past them all these years missing out?
Who wanted this? Was someone driving along, giving the windscreen a squirt and thinking, “Visibility’s much better, admittedly, but the experience lacks a certain pick ’n’ mix quality”?
Perhaps people simply like the smell. Fair enough. I like plenty of things that aren’t strictly necessary. It’s the discovery of yet another thing we can now have a fragrance preference about that makes me want to sit down and have a gin and tonic.
Buying screenwash really should to be one of those small, unremarkable jobs you can complete without consulting your personality. You need some, you buy some, you put it in the car. Now there’s a moment in the process when you find yourself considering whether bubblegum is what you want from your windscreen.
I’d rather save my decision-making capacity for something that matters, such as what’s for tea or whether that noise the car’s making is going to be expensive and can I ignore it for another month.
There’s also something peculiar about making a car-cleaning liquid smell of sweets. I don’t open the bonnet hoping to recreate the atmosphere of a childhood birthday party. Usually I’m just hoping I’ve identified the right cap and won’t have to get the handbook out.
Nobody’s forcing me to buy it, of course, although in this instance I already had. It does leave me wondering what goes on in product development meetings. I hope nobody spent an entire afternoon sat in a boardroom somwhere discussing how to shift more screenwash before someone finally said, “You know what this needs? Bubblegum.”
I’d have been quite happy with just a clear windscreen.
Car screenwash container. Yes it’s AI generated – I am not taking a pic of a screenwash thing
I’ve chosen the self-checkout because I’ve only got a few things. This is an important part of the story. At the beginning, I believe I’m saving time. There’s a staffed till open, but someone has a reasonably full trolley and I don’t want to wait behind them so I think the self serve option will be quicker. Fairly logical, I can scan my own shopping I’ve managed it before. How difficult can it be?
I do as instructed on the screen. I put my bag down in the bagging area.
“Unexpected item in the bagging area.”
Oh Lordy. We haven’t even started scanning the shopping yet.
I remove the bag. The machine asks me to put my bag in the bagging area. I put it back, slightly differently, in case its objection was to the angle. I need a member of staff. I look around with that ‘help! I can’t work the machine!’ look on my face.
A lovely woman comes over, scans her badge and presses something. Whatever I’ve done has been forgiven by the machine, although neither of us is quite sure what it was.
I scan the milk. That goes well. Encouraged, I scan the bread and put it in the bag.
“Please place the item in the bagging area.”
Pretty sure I just did. So I lift it out and put it back, because perhaps the machine wasn’t looking the first time.
“Please wait for assistance.”
The lovey (and now very patient with me woman) returns. I give her the apologetic smile people develop when they’re repeatedly asking someone to come and witness their groceries. She presses a button. The machine is happy once again. Yay!
I now scan the wine. Now, this interruption I was expecting. Someone needs to check I’m old enough to buy it. Fair enough. I do think my face and greying hair provides fairly compelling evidence, but I appreciate that the machine can’t simply take one look and say, “Christ, yes. Let her have the wine”
The woman comes back. At this stage I’m pretty sure I saw the ‘eye roll of despair’ flash across her face but she’s too well trained and polite to show it so I can’t be sure. That said I now feel that we’re getting to know each other quite well but I can’t help think that if I’d gone to the human till in the first place, I’d have probably finished and paid by now. Instead, the lovely woman is supervising my work in instalments.
She approves the wine and goes to help someone whose machine is flashing red. There are several flashing red now. From a distance, I think the whole area must look quite Christmassy. I carry on determined to get out of the shop with my few bits. Something won’t scan. I flatten the packet, find the barcode and pass it over the reader again. Then again, more slowly, because evidently I was rushing it or not doing it quite right.
Nothing.
So I change the angle. I smooth a crease. I’m now presenting a packet of cheese from every conceivable direction, like a proud parent trying to get a baby to look at the camera. Eventually, it beeps twice. Bugger. I’ve bought two cheeses. But I only have one cheese. I need the woman, again.
By this point, I’m keeping an eye on where she is before attempting anything ambitious. She’s helping a man who has put something down without permission. Behind her, another customer is holding a bag in mid-air, afraid to make the next move. I understand their position entirely. When she reaches me, I explain about the cheese.
“It’s gone through twice.”
She removes one. I thank her with rather more feeling than the transaction warrants. This time I definitely got the eye roll. I know I did.
Anyway, I’m thinking that there are three items left. I’m so close now that I begin to feel hopeful, which is a silly mistake. One is very light – it’s a birthday card, and the scales refuse to accept that anything has happened. So I put it down more firmly and with some flourish this time in the hope that the weight will be recognised.
Apparently, it still doesn’t exist. I’m tempted to lean on the bagging area to lend it some substance, but I suspect this would create further questions. Across the aisle, the person with the full trolley is paying at the staffed till. Of course they are.
Anyway, eventually, everything has been scanned, weighed, approved or personally vouched for. I press “Pay” with the relief of someone reaching the end of a moderately difficult exam. The machine asks whether I have a loyalty card. Yes, yes I do. Somewhere. I find it in amongst all the other loyalty cards I have shoved in my purse which I’ve been meaning to sort out. I find it and scan it.
I pay, collect my shopping and check that I haven’t left anything behind. The woman is already dealing with another red light. I want to tell her she’s been marvellous. She has, after all, helped me buy a loaf of bread, some milk, wine and one cheese. It’s been a joint effort really.
The machine thanks me for shopping. You’re welcome. I’m pretty sure I qualify for the staff discount for my work here.
Of course this is AI – who opens a bottle of wine on their way home from the shops.
